He (The Father) guarded him as the apple of his eye. ~ Deuteronomy 32:10
When last I left off on our infertility journey I shared how Bart and I began planning to start the process for InVitro and then later how God told us to stop and wait. And thus we entered the big season of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
One of the many things I learned at this time was this -
God does reveal his promises to us, his children. God will reveal to us the next step for us to take in his plan. But, to my knowledge, he only reveals one step at a time and then we WAIT until it is time for the next step to be taken. Until that time, what do we do?
God doesn’t leave us just hanging. This time isn’t waisted. It’s time that really is well spent, not intended for us to assume we sit back and do nothing. This time for me, this waiting, was very much well spent time. Even though I spent some of it kicking and screaming because I didn’t understand what he was doing. I wonder sometimes how much I prolonged the season because of getting in the way or just not surrendering. But it was all a part of the process I had to go through.
Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. ~ Matthew 6:8
What I so desire most for anyone reading this blog who is struggling with infertility or is walking with someone who is is to understand that it is a process. What I mean by this is with infertility you don’t just “accept” it and move on. There is a process we must go through.
For me, this was, and still can be, the hardest part of it all. There were so many things I hadn’t dealt with. So many things about myself, and about who God really is, that I had to learn. I see now that I couldn’t have moved forward until I processed these things and really dealt with them.
During this time, I attended a Beth Moore bible study and while there I bought a study to do myself about how God is our Father and how we view him the way we view our earthly Fathers. Only I really didn’t realize when I bought it that it was going to be about all that, it couldn’t have been more exactly what I needed to work on.
Looking at God as a Father has not come easy for me. I really didn’t know how to do it to be honest. My relationship and experience with my own Dad wasn’t easy. And listen, I’m not about telling stories and speaking badly of my Dad. I do love my Dad and I always will no matter what our relationship will be. But I think we can both say openly that we didn’t have the relationship that we were intended to have. Because of that, my view of God was a distant one. I knew he loved me. I knew he had a plan for me. I believed I was His daughter. But I struggled greatly with HOW MUCH he loved me. It’s so clear to me know how the pains and issues I had with my Dad spilled over onto the issues and struggles I had in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
In all honesty, it was in a session with my councilor that I had that moment where I really let it all go. I didn’t realize that I had a wall between me and God. I didn’t trust him with my feelings. I’m not talking about the feelings where I say “yeah this all hurts.” I’m talking about the feelings of deep, deep hurt. The messy ones. I didn’t trust God enough to tell him how I was really feeling. I was scared that he would get mad at me and… leave me. Yeah, I know that doesn’t make much sense. God can’t leave us. But in my experience… this is what happens.
So, after much tugging and pulling from my therapist about those feelings from long ago that I had for my Dad and how the actions he took made me feel, I was able to finally see that I felt that same exact way about God. Even though my Dad probably didn’t view what he did as abandoning me, for me that’s exactly what it felt like he did. And even though I recognized the sadness that made me feel, I hadn’t realized that I was mad about it as well. So now I’m dealing with that part of God’s (my Father) plan for me is that I can’t get pregnant. I don’t get to have and experience one of the biggest blessings that women are able to experience. I easily recognized my sadness over this. I easily told God about my sadness.
But I had yet let myself go there up to this point. You know where I’m going by now don’t you?
I was mad at God!
Ouch, it even hurts to type it out now years later. But it was the truth. It was the ugly truth! And it’s not like God didn’t know I felt that way, but I just couldn’t make myself tell him. But in the keeping that once piece of truth from God about one of my deepest feelings, a wall was built between the two of us. And in the moment I opened up and exposed that feeling to God and cried out to him in my ugly truth, that wall was immediately torn down.
Then, and only then, healing began.
There were things that God wanted to heal in my heart before we took the next step. Before I even became a mom. Now, looking back, I am so grateful that he healed these areas before I had children. It makes me cringe to think of passing these hurts on to Lil’ B. I’m so thankful.
But at that time, I didn’t know. He doesn’t reveal to us everything he is working on in the season of waiting. But He is ALWAYS working. He is never just leaving us hanging! We just have to trust him. Trust that He is our Daddy. We are his precious treasure.
The thing about infertility is that it is so much easier to believe the opposite. The lie that God doesn’t care about us. The lie that I am “less than.” But we have to cling to what we know is true. We have to learn to trust God as our Father.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ~ Matthew 6:26