The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 17 – 18
As I look back and re-live the words recorded in my journals, some of the most heart wrenching days and moments were when I received a phone call from a friend or family member announcing their amazing news that they were pregnant. And I still remember those mornings in my bathroom as I was picking out what to wear for a baby shower for someone I loved.
It’s not that I wasn’t happy for these women. I loved each one incredibly! I think that’s why these experiences were so difficult. I felt so torn. It was so unnatural.
I wanted my sister, my cousins, my best friends to be happy… of course. I wanted God to bless them, no doubt!
But the thoughts kept reoccurring in my head, “why not me, Lord?” “Why can’t I experience this?”
On top of the thoughts, was the guilt I had from feeling this way. What kind of sister, cousin, friend am I for having these thoughts on such a happy occasion for them? Why was I being so selfish, so self-centered, so self-absorbed. I hated being that way.
Mother’s Day’s were the absolute worst. I think because it happened annually, and I knew it was coming so I had days and weeks to dread it’s arrival. I think also because I knew I had to go to CHURCH and watch the mothers and fathers stand in the front with their babies all dressed up beautifully and read their scriptures they had picked for their child. And in addition to the guilt I had for even thinking this, I wasn’t alone but surrounded by hundreds of people so I had to keep together. Not to mention, I am a “pastor’s wife” and we are supposed to be perfect, right?
But in all of these moment’s, the ones I recorded and the ones I didn’t and am able to recall from memory…
I was always honored with the opportunity to pour out these feelings to God.
I remember specifically one instance where I was writing and crying so hard the ink was getting all smeared. I had a spot in my house where I would usually sit at my desk and write away in my journal.
But this specific time, I hurt so bad. I had my journal on the floor (not because I physically hurt, but because I ached so much in my heart it felt the only way to be before the Lord… at his feet) and I was on my knees hunched over so I could write. I was writing out my thoughts so fast on the paper.
As I was writing, I remember hearing in my head a voice say to me, “just take a breath…”
And I could feel the Lord’s hand on my shoulder, arm wrapped around me.
This, of course, made me cry even more. Who wouldn’t cry if they felt Jesus’ arm wrapped around them?
And to me, it was even more special, because it’s something I had never felt before. It took me by surprise. Growing up, my Dad wasn’t there to wrap his arms around me when I was sad and crying. My husband’s arms had been the only one’s I had known. So to feel God, like a Dad, wrap his arms around me like I was his baby girl overwhelmed me with so much love I had never known.
I heard God say to me, “You are my DAUGHTER. I love you more than you know. Just trust me. I have abundant joy for you.”
Once you have experienced God’s love in this way, you wouldn’t trade any of the hurt. I wouldn’t walk down a different road if I could, because I would have missed that precious moment with Him. I realized that if I hadn’t experienced the trial, I wouldn’t have received that blessing of knowing God in a more intimate way!