Do you believe you deserved to be blessed? I mean, maybe not deserve – that words seems so strong, but maybe do you feel like when God does bless you it’s okay to accept that blessing graciously?
I realized this morning that I struggle with this. A few very very close people to me have noticed this and told me I have a problem with this. I trust their wisdom so I heard them but didn’t really get it.
Until this morning.
I was up exhausted from having yet another sleepless night with Little Bit. At 4:45 he finally fell asleep for the third time and I had my hand on my door knob to walk into my bedroom and crawl back on my freshly scented lavender pillow and warm covers. I thought to myself, “I can squeeze in another 2 hours of sleep till I have to wake up Little B and get him ready for school and begin the day.”
But I couldn’t.
Something Someone else strongly pulled me away and I knew where I should go instead. Though my brain and body were so so tired, my heart longed to hear what God had to say. And I’m so grateful. I don’t listen to my heart every morning. Unfortunately my exhaustion wins the battle and I sleep and hit snooze longer then I should. Guilt was the name of my game when I was in this stage with Little B but now I know that it’s a season and God doesn’t want me to feel guilty. He understands what lack of sleep can do to a Mama y’all. I believe that. So I no longer feel guilty that I don’t wake up every morning before the rest of my family does to have my time a lone with God and The Word at my special spot in the house. But I do miss it. It’s precious time and I long for it.
Ok, back to my question. I’m serious and I would love your thoughts on this…
As I was reading, I was brought back to a verse in Luke.
Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.
You are blessed, because you believed that the Lord would do what he said (New Living)
When I say I was brought back I mean God has used this verse several times to remind me of His promise for me. The first time He used this verse was ONE OF the hardest days. I was probably at one of my lowest points in my faith thinking that God was never going to give us a baby – a family. And then Jaime and I were reading our Daily Lite together before work and she read this verse to me. That same exact day on my way home from work I got the phone call about adopting a baby.
Then again, while waiting for Little Bit this last year, God brought me back here to Luke 1. And I was reminded of God’s faithfulness. I was reminded that I could trust Him and believe in His promise.
And this morning…here I sit. And in front of me is this word about Mary and how God “will bless her because she believed that God would do what He said.”
Y’all I know God has blessed me. I have the most gorgeous, amazing, tender-hearted 5 year old boy in the world and now I have a 6 month old little boy who makes my heart explode every time I look at him. On top of that I have an amazing and godly husband. Wow!
But when I look at this verse it’s so hard for me. I know that I believe God will do what he say’s. I KNOW it because He has done it time and again. But if I were to say to you that God has blessed me because I believed what he said I would feel like I was being… haughty , for lack of a better word here.
But it’s not haughty. It’s truth. Why do I struggle with this? Do you struggle with this?
I don’t think we are meant to.
I think (and this is what my sweet friend and mentor said to me once) that I have a problem accepting God’s blessings. Like I feel guilty sometimes when I know he is blessing me.
Growing up, my Dad wasn’t in the picture and when he was it wasn’t healthy or good. My mom was a single mom who worked 2 jobs. My grandmother helped her raise us every other weekend and during the summers when my Dad was supposed to have us. My point is that my sister and I weren’t raised receiving gifts. It just wasn’t apart of our lives.
Now I’m not talking birthdays and Christmas here. These are holidays where giving and getting gifts is what you do.
I’m talking about gifts for no reason other then someone wants to lavish there love on you in the form of something special and tangible that you can see and touch and feel. A gift that is a reminder of that person’s love for you for no reason other then you are you and they love you because of that.
Am I making sense? I hope so. Because I feel like a light bulb went off for me this morning.
I think that sometimes I push God’s blessings away. Meaning also that sometimes I push God’s expression of love for me away because I feel like I’m unworthy.
I’m just Melissa. People don’t give ME gifts just because. People do that for other people. So God shouldn’t bless me just because, right? Surely he wouldn’t give us a second BABY. Surely he wouldn’t PROVIDE a way for us to adopt twice, maybe 3 times someday. Surely he wouldn’t….
And when he does I should keep it to myself because maybe other people will think I’m boasting or being prideful. When really I should tell the whole world so they will know that THIS IS WHO GOD IS!
God LAVISHES his love on us. He does this sometimes through unexpected and undeserved blessings.
This is our father. This is my Dad! He gives me gifts sometimes for no reason other then I am his little girl and he wants to see me smile. Not because he has to. But because IT IS WHO HE IS.
So I’m thinking that this is something big. Something I need to talk to him more about. I’m thinking it would make Him happy if I gladly accepted his gifts – just like I would feel when giving my children gifts for no reason other then I love them and want to see them smile and happy and feel loved like crazy.