(waiting to be fingerprinted for approval to foster and adopt)
I’m just gonna tell (warn) you now, this might be all over the place. This isn’t one of those well thought out post. I haven’t sent it off to someone to proof or give to my husband to see if it makes sense or if it’s just plain dumb.
This is just me. All me.
We are in the final week(s) of waiting for Baby Girl. We were told she was due around the first week of September.
Here we are. September 1. Labor Day. Hah.
If you read my last post on our adoption journey, you know that once August hit, I haven’t been sleeping well. We were also told they suspected birth mom would go into labor early for several reasons. So the waiting game has really been in high gear for me since August.
But it’s now September. I woke up yesterday and today the same. Still dark outside. The house quiet. My heart heavier then I’ve ever felt. I woke up with the feeling that I’m crying. Not because I “just know” something. I know how some people get that feeling and they just know. I have been there before myself. But this is because I DON’T KNOW anything. I don’t know if birth mom has changed her mind. I don’t know if she has had Baby Girl already. I don’t know if she is just chillin’ on the streets somewhere in Houston waiting for labor pains to come on and then give us a call. I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!
I just know there is a Baby Girl. I know she is due around now. I know that I have given a piece of my heart to her.
You see, when you foster (and even when you adopt too – but it’s not as talked about because you aren’t planning or even thinking really that you will give them back even though it’s a risk for a while) you are told that these kids NEED your love. They haven’t had a stable, constant, unconditional love in their life. And that is what they need the most. So when you go into Foster Care, you are told that part of that includes loving this child without holding back knowing you may not have this child forever.
I get that now. Really get it.
I have tried, really I have, to guard my heart since we got the phone call June 1st. I’ve been through this now three times. The first one, we lost a baby girl the week that she was due.
The second… well , the second was evidence that we could all see here on earth that God is God and is faithful in His promises and that NOTHING is impossible for Him! We are now a family of three! Amen!
Here we are now. Number three. Where do I go with this? I tried not to get my hopes up BUT I also want to have complete faith.
Apparently Faith is my thing too! It’s what I’m good it. It’s what my “spiritual gift” is.
And here I thought I had already learned so much. Had already been refined.
He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ. ~ Phil 1:6
Yes. Yes this is definitely true. As I woke up this morning with my heart feeling like it was aching, I had a picture of something like gold being held in the fire. This is a picture of our faith. Our faith is like silver & gold. But gold has to be held to the fire to be refined before it is perfected and useful. If you attend church somewhere I’m sure this isn’t new news to you. You’ve heard many times from your pastor how your faith will be tested in the fire.
If you don’t go to a church maybe you haven’t heard it put that way. Maybe you’ve felt it but didn’t quite know what it was.
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. ~1 Peter 1:7
Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. ~1 Peter 1:7 (The Message)
For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver. ~Psalm 66:10
I don’t know what the outcome of this will be. I don’t know if she will call us or if she has changed her mind.
I know I love this Baby Girl completely already. Just like when my sister was pregnant with my two nieces. I prayed for them and didn’t realize how much I loved them already until I saw their faces for the first time.
It was that way with the first little girl we lost. It was that way with Little B! And it’s the same now.
Maybe this won’t work. I will be heart-broken.
For a while.
But God will still be God and He will still have good planned for me. His promise is still true.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn bush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever. ” ~Isaiah 55: 8-13
Would you please pray for us? Pray for Baby Girl and Birth mom? I won’t ever be able to tell you how much it means to us! But your prayers are priceless and we need them.
You know, writing this all out, my most messiest of thoughts and emotions, is not easy to do. I battle here with my mind telling me it’s silly and my heart knowing how others sharing their stories is what may help encourage and inspire someone else. I was reminded about that recently by someone I know who reads this small little space on the www. It’s incredibly humbling! I just want you to know I appreciate all the time you spend here reading my words.